How to Navigate Differences in Parenting Styles
How to Navigate Differences in Parenting Styles
Having children brings immense joy—but it also brings your individual upbringings, beliefs, fears, and values into the same room.
Suddenly, the way you discipline, soothe, structure routines, or set boundaries becomes a shared responsibility. And that’s where conflict often arises.
From a Relational Life Therapy (RLT) perspective, differing parenting styles aren’t the problem.
The problem is how couples communicate about those differences.
RLT encourages honesty, accountability, and relational integrity.
You don’t have to agree on everything—you simply have to stay connected while working through it.
Why Parenting Differences Feel So Intense
1. Parenting touches your deepest values
How you raise a child is deeply personal.
It reflects:
Your own childhood experiences
Your beliefs about safety and responsibility
What you wished you had (or hadn’t had) growing up
Your fears about getting it “wrong”
When your partner parents differently, it can feel like a threat to something core inside you.
2. It activates old wounds
Parenting often awakens early memories of how you were cared for—or not cared for.
If you grew up with strict rules, you may feel anxious when your partner seems “too lenient.”
If you grew up with chaos, you may panic when your partner is “too controlling.”
It’s not just about the present moment.
It’s about your past brushing up against your partner’s past.
3. Differences can feel like criticism
When partners aren’t aligned, it can feel like the other believes you’re doing it wrong.
But it’s rarely about right vs. wrong.
It’s about two humans bringing different histories into a shared family.
From Conflict to Collaboration
1. Lead with accountability, not accusation
Instead of:
“You’re too harsh.”
“You’re too soft.”
“You’re doing it wrong.”
Try:
“When I see us respond differently, I get anxious. I want us to feel like a team.”
“I know I can be rigid when I’m stressed. I want to understand your perspective.”
Accountability lowers defensiveness and builds trust.
2. Name the deeper fear beneath your reaction
RLT teaches that all reactivity is rooted in fear or pain.
Ask yourself:
What am I afraid might happen if we parent differently?
Is this fear from the present—or from my childhood?
Sharing these fears builds compassion between partners.
3. Get curious about your partner’s “why”
Instead of assuming your partner is wrong, explore what shaped their approach.
Ask:
“What did you learn growing up about discipline?”
“What feels important to you about handling it that way?”
“What outcome are you hoping for when you respond like that?”
Curiosity turns conflict into collaboration.
4. Create shared parenting principles
You don’t have to see eye-to-eye on every detail.
But you do need shared agreements on core values.
Examples:
“We speak to our kids respectfully—even when correcting behavior.”
“We present a united front on consequences.”
“We take breaks when we’re overwhelmed instead of escalating.”
“We check in with each other before changing big rules or routines.”
These principles become your family’s anchor.
5. Practice repair when you disagree
You will disagree—every couple does.
What matters is how quickly you come back together.
A repair might sound like:
“I’m sorry I shut down earlier. Your opinion matters to me.”
“I got reactive—I was scared. Can we revisit this when we’re both calmer?”
“I want us to figure this out as a team.”
Repair shows your children what healthy conflict looks like.
6. Back each other up in front of the kids
Children feel safest when they see parents working together.
If you disagree, pause the moment and have the conversation privately.
Then return with a united message.
This models respect, mutual support, and emotional regulation.
When Parenting Styles Reflect Deeper Relationship Patterns
Sometimes parenting conflict is a reflection of broader relational dynamics:
Power struggles
Unresolved resentment
Communication breakdowns
Emotional distance
Differences in emotional regulation
RLT can help couples identify these patterns and shift into a more balanced, collaborative dynamic.
Parenting becomes easier when the relationship is strong.
Final Thoughts
Differences in parenting styles don’t mean you’re incompatible—they mean you’re human.
When approached with honesty, compassion, and accountability, these differences become opportunities to grow as individuals and as a couple.
You and your partner are on the same team.
You’re building the same family.
And you both want what’s best for your children.
The path forward isn’t perfection—it's connection.
Schedule a free consultation with Joann Ikeh, LMFT,
📍 Serving couples and individuals online in Florida, Virginia, and California.
📞 Book a free 15-minute consultation today
🌐 Visit onlinecouplecounseling.com
📩 Or email me at joannikeh@joannikeh.com
