How to Handle Jealousy Without Sabotaging Love

An RLT-Informed Guide to Understanding, Naming, and Repairing Jealousy in Relationships

Jealousy is one of those emotions we wish we could avoid. It can feel embarrassing, overwhelming, or irrational. But in Relational Life Therapy (RLT), we understand jealousy not as a flaw—but as a message. It points to an unmet need, an unhealed fear, or a part of ourselves that is longing for reassurance and connection.

Jealousy isn’t the enemy.
What we do with jealousy is what matters.

Handled with humility, curiosity, and accountability, jealousy can actually bring partners closer. Handled with accusations, withdrawal, or control, it can slowly erode trust.

Let’s explore how to navigate jealousy in a way that protects your relationship instead of sabotaging it.

Why Jealousy Shows Up

Jealousy often signals something deeper:

Fear of abandonment or loss
Low self-worth or self-comparison
Past relational wounds or betrayals
Unclear agreements or boundaries in the relationship
Feeling disconnected, unseen, or insecure

Instead of shaming yourself or your partner for feeling jealous, RLT encourages you to slow down and locate the vulnerability underneath.

Jealousy is almost never about the external situation—it’s about the threat you feel inside.

1. Own Your Jealousy Without Blame

In RLT, functional adults take responsibility for their emotions. That means:

Instead of:
“You’re always flirting with other people—no wonder I’m jealous!”
Try:
“I notice jealousy coming up for me, and I want to understand it before it turns into accusations.”

Ownership softens the edges. It leaves room for connection instead of defensiveness.

2. Get Curious About the Fear Beneath the Jealousy

Ask yourself:

What am I afraid might happen?
Has this feeling shown up before in past relationships?
Do I feel secure in myself right now?
Am I needing reassurance, closeness, or clarity?

In RLT, we don’t stop at the surface emotion—we get to the “young part” that’s activated. Once the fear is named, it becomes far easier to soothe.

3. Share Your Feelings in a Grounded, Vulnerable Way

Your partner is much more likely to respond with care when you share jealousy in a regulated, relational way.

Try speaking from the “I” position:

“When I see that, I feel insecure and scared that I might not be enough.”
“I think an old wound of not feeling chosen is being triggered.”
“I want to understand what’s happening so we can stay connected.”

This opens the door to intimacy instead of conflict.

4. Explore the Relationship Agreements Together

Sometimes jealousy spikes because boundaries are unclear.

Questions to revisit together:

What does friendship with exes look like?
What counts as emotional intimacy with someone outside the relationship?
What’s comfortable—and uncomfortable—for both of us regarding social media?
How do we stay connected when we’re apart?

In RLT, relationships thrive when partners negotiate explicit, not assumed, agreements.

5. Reassure Each Other Where It’s Needed

Jealousy often quiets down when partners offer reassurance, not defensiveness.

Reassurance can sound like:

“I love you and I’m not going anywhere.”
“I see this is painful—I want to help you feel safe with me.”
“Let’s figure this out together.”

You’re not responsible for fixing your partner’s insecurity, but you are responsible for how your actions impact them. That’s the balance of RLT: deep compassion and relational accountability.

6. Strengthen the Secure Bond Between You

To reduce jealousy long-term, focus on building a relationship where both partners feel chosen, valued, and connected.

Try incorporating:

Regular check-ins
Repairing ruptures quickly
Shared experiences and quality time
Expressing appreciation often
Tending to emotional intimacy, not just physical

When the base feels secure, jealousy loses much of its power.

7. Seek Support When Jealousy Feels Chronic or Overwhelming

Sometimes jealousy is tied to past trauma, insecure attachment, or previous betrayals that haven’t been healed. Therapy—especially RLT—can help you sort out what’s coming from the present relationship and what’s coming from old wounds.

Getting support isn’t a sign of weakness.
It’s a commitment to growth, stability, and relational integrity.

Final Thoughts

Jealousy doesn’t have to be the thing that destroys your connection. When approached through an RLT lens—with accountability, vulnerability, and compassion—it can become an opportunity for repair and deeper intimacy.

You deserve a relationship where you feel secure, chosen, and understood.
And with the right tools, you can build exactly that.

Schedule a free consultation with Joann Ikeh, LMFT,
📍 Serving couples and individuals online in Florida, Virginia, and California.
📞 Book a free 15-minute consultation today
🌐 Visit onlinecouplecounseling.com
📩 Or email me at joannikeh@joannikeh.com

How to Handle Jealousy Without Sabotaging Love